Later today, my family’s pet, Molly, going to be put down.

She is probably 15 years old, and isn’t eating and has lost control of her legs.  I suggested it a year ago, when she started to go downhill, but I’m still sad that it’s happening.  I cannot go home to my parents’ to say goodbye, I have to work.  I wish I could be there when it happens… let her know that she’s not alone and that I love her.

Molly is the first pet that I can really remember.  She was there for me when I was lonely, kept my bed warm at night, kept me smiling.  She is a liver spotted dalmatian - she’s the only one that I’ve ever seen.  My great-grandmother had a red spotted one, but Molly’s brown spots were beautiful.

Since I went to college, Molly didn’t really seem like my dog.  My little brother took her on, and cared for her.  But over the years, Mom and Dad got other dogs (currently there are three in the house), and Molly’s spot in the family was shared.  And Molly became grouchy in  her old age.  She simply wanted to lay on her bed and sleep, not be disturbed by the younger dogs.

As time went on, she became more tired, and had trouble with her back legs.  They didn’t quite work like they were supposed to.  But, with quiet dignity she carried on.

However, in the past couple of years, Molly had lost quite a bit of weight.  When Mom called last night, she said that Molly’s spine was clearly visible, she had lost that much more.

I know this is the right decision, but it still hurts.  I hope that my parents are okay today, and that Molly goes peacefully.

That’s not true.  I still have a bad temper.  I get mad and I stay mad for a LONG time.  But it used to be worse; when I would become enraged, I would throw things, scream, punch walls.  One time, when I was about 13, I chased a girl down and punched her.  Now, I still think she deserved it, but that’s not the point.  I shouldn’t have hit her.

Since that day – I’ve learned to keep my temper under control.  Hell, even in the past few years, I have stopped yelling at my step-son for stupid things he does.  In a calm voice, I explain why I’m mad and what we can do to solve the problem.

However, there is one story that I need to share, even though it is embarrassing and horrible… I just need to put it out there.

At our old house, Tim and I spent a lot of time putting in raised garden beds.  We built them from cedar, filled them with  compost and topsoil and planted them.  At this same time, we got a dog and named him Marshall.  Thankfully we had a fence, so we could just open the backdoor, and let him do his business.

Now, one of the things that we planted in those garden bed was seed potatoes.  Little pieces of potato that you plant about two inches deep that grow a new plant.  Well, after they had been planted just long enough to sprout, we let Marshall out to do his thing.  He couldn’t have been out there more than ten minutes when I went to get him.  I opened that door, and there he was, running towards me covered in soil.  I was shocked – what did he tear up?  I had four garden boxes, all planted with different things…

He had dug up every last seed potato and eaten it.  Not just dug… ATE them all…

I flipped.  I screamed and chased him around the yard, trying to catch him.  Needless to say, I was not quick enough to catch him.  So, I tried to get him in the house to punish him with a “time-out”.  He wouldn’t have that either.  Finally, mad and tired, I calmly grabbed one of my step-son’s foam covered baseball bats and went back outside to the tree in our backyard.  I screamed wordlessly, beating that tree until the plastic core of the bat broke.

I know that wasn’t the most adult thing to do.

I know it wasn’t the most SANE thing to do.

I know that someone at the old house probably saw or heard me do it.

But, it was satisfying to get it out, and I didn’t beat my dog.

I also didn’t plant potatoes ever again.

If you haven’t already heard – the Duggar family (you know, that one with the 19 kids and counting?) recently had a loss. Michelle miscarried her 20th child this week.

Now – I’m NOT going to talk about how many children she has. I personal don’t agree with having that many, but those kids are well taken care of and it’s not my vagina those kids are coming out of.

However, I want to talk about those pictures that TMZ has from the memorial service of their baby, Jubilee Shalom Duggar. (Warning, the photos are potentially unsettling for some.)

While I have never given birth, and thankfully have never miscarried, I understand that many parents that lose a child during pregnancy take remembrance photos. Examples are found at http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org, an organization that specializes in this kind of thing. I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a child, and compound that grief with never being able to SEE that child. Remembrance photography can help some people in the grieving process, and honor their child even though it never breathed a single breath.

HOWEVER – I feel very strongly that there is a huge difference in taking these sorts of photos for the benefit of the parents and family, and what the Duggars did at their memorial service. Their child was so small – one picture is of Michelle holding both of Jubilee’s legs in-between her thumb and forefinger. There are no “face shots” of the baby shown, but the images shown are upsetting, even to me. It takes a lot to bother me, but I lost sleep after reading the aforementioned story on TMZ.

Now, it is still the decision of the parents of if they want to take remembrance photos. I just feel that with how the photos looked, they should have NEVER been displayed to anyone outside of the family. The fact that these photos got to the public makes me think one of two things:

-That this was simply a publicity stunt for the Duggar’s TV show. Everyone already knew that a 45 year old woman that had given birth to 19 other children was pregnant again. I think a majority of people felt badly for her as a mother losing a child when the news broke that she had miscarried. But displaying that poor fetus (it WAS a FETUS) in front of God and everyone seems to be a cry for people to watch what happens on their show, and not just a family greiving.

OR

-That this is a pro-life move from the MOST pro-life family on the planet. The only thing that I could think of was that the photos reminded me of those repulsive signs from protesters showing an aborted 2nd trimester child. So, maybe the Duggar family is trying to say, “Look, 2nd trimester abortions are killing babies, not just fetuses.” Being a pro-choice supporter, I resent that people feel the need to take this road – women that have to make the decision to abort their child shouldn’t feel additional guilt by being forced to witness what fetuses look like at the stage they abort. These women have already been through hell, and made possibly the most difficult decision of their lives. Don’t rub salt in the wound.

Either way, I feel less respect for the Duggar family today. Not that I watched their show or particularly cared about them before now. I did respect that they followed their beliefs and truly love all the children they have. Now, I just feel dirty for them. I hope that they find whatever they are looking for in displaying these pictures. I just wish I hadn’t ever saw them.

Yeah, me too.

…that I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do.

But, to tell that story, I have to tell another story.  When I was a sophomore in college, I met a guy by the name of Tom online.  Actually, I read his blog, and we started talking online.  We seemed to really hit it off so I, being slightly impulsive at this point in my life, drove many miles across the state to visit him one night.  I won’t forget that night – I parked my car and walked slowly to the door of his dorm.  It was there I saw him getting off the elevator, looking out the window for me.  Tom had a heart attack a little while before I met him (yes, even though he under 30), and used a cane to walk.  He looked so dapper striding out to meet me.  I was so nervous – he told me about his room and floormates as we rode the elevator up.

When we got to his room, we watched some silly tv show and talked.  And talked.  He was so sweet that night – he didn’t want me to drive all the way back to my school that night; he offered to sleep on the floor so I could use his bed.  But I refused; I drove all the way back “home”, but he insisted that I call and let him know I made it.

I think a week went by, and I drove back to see him.  He offered to take me dinner, and I accepted.  I remember that the server got his last name wrong and it took thirty minutes to be seated.  He was such the gentleman – we ordered and talked.  And I was so impressed with him; because of his heart attack, he didn’t have much use in his left arm.  But even so, he ordered steak – and then had the guts to ask me to cut it for him.  Not many people would have done that on a first “date.”

This continued for a while – I would drive to see him and hang out in his dorm.  We talked, watched movies.  He quickly became a friend.  Valentine’s day came around – and Tom sent flowers to my dorm.  A dozen red roses.  Those were the first flowers anyone had ever sent me.  It was the most thoughtful and sweet thing that had ever happened to me on Valentine’s Day up to that point.  And that next weekend – he drove to see me.

But, it wasn’t meant to be, our relationship.  I loved him – I loved his strength, his wit and his humor.  But I wasn’t sure if I was in love with him.  And then, I lost my license.  (Apparently the state of Illinois thought I had one more speeding ticket than I should.)  That summer I would have to go home to my parents and wouldn’t be able to see him, since I couldn’t drive myself anywhere.  So, I told him that I didn’t think we could continue to see each other.  I ended my relationship with Tom.

I heard from him for a little while, on my blog or his.  But slowly, I didn’t hear anything from him.  No phone calls, no instant messages, no emails.  I was sad, because I was sure that he was upset with me.  That, or he was giving me the space he thought I wanted.

So, I moved on.  I applied (and was accepted) to be a resident assistant on my campus.  I continued with my degree, and I met the man who would become my husband.  But every once in a while I would think of Tom.  But I didn’t think he wanted me to contact him.

Then, one fateful day in 2007, I was talking one of my residents.  We were talking about dorms – he had been a resident assistant at his previous school.  I told him that sometimes administration makes stupid rooming decisions; one of my friends (Tom) lived on one of the upper floors of his door, even though he had a disability and had to use a cane.  My resident looked at me, and asked what school this friend was at.  I told him – and he told me the worst thing I had ever heard.

Tom had passed away in his dorm room.  Tom’s personal assistant had found him one morning, and he was already gone.  I had no idea.  The worst part about it though?  Tom passed away in 2005.  He had been gone for almost two years, and I didn’t know.

I felt like I was in a dark room.  I excused myself, and went to my apartment.  I sat there, crying for my stupidity and for my friend.  I couldn’t believe it.  I refused.  I told Tim, who I was dating at that time, and he held me as I wept for the man who had shown me such love and compassion and strength.  What else could I do?  Tom was gone, and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I felt like the world’s most horrible person for not trying to keep in touch with him.

Since that time, I have refused to think about it for any length of time.  I would think fondly of Tom and the time we spent together, but not that he might be gone.

But over the weekend, I had a very vivid dream about Tom.  About one of the nights we spent together at his dorm room.  And for some reason, I felt that it meant something.  So today, I looked him up.  I re-read his blog, and saw our comments back and forth.  And I found his obituary, an address to send condolences to, and a photo of his grave site.  And after work, I stopped and bought a small red rose plant, and went to the cemetary.  I found his grave, and it all became very real.  My friend was gone.  I knelt by his grave and wept for our short time together.  I wept for my ignorance.  I wept because I knew he deserved better than he received in his lot in life.

I don’t believe that people are “at” their graves.  I have never gone to a grave and spoke to a person that I missed.  But today I did.  I had to tell Tom I was so sorry.  I had to tell him that I missed him.  And so, through my tears, I told him.

But for some reason, I couldn’t leave that rose there with him.  Those deep red petals reminded me so much of that day he had sent me flowers for Valentine’s Day.  So, I told Tom goodbye, and I drove to his old house.  His dad’s boat was still in the driveway.  So, I screwed up the courage to get out of the car and knock on the door, rose in hand.  What would his parent’s think?  Would me showing up hurt them, remind them yet again that their son was gone?

I knocked on the door, but there wasn’t any answer.  I wrote them a note, and left the plant on their porch.  I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do.  I do hope that his mom feels a little bit of happiness in the heartache, just like I felt when I found those roses.  I can’t go back and change things, but I can remember my friend.  And hope that wherever he is now, he knows that I cared for him and miss him to this day.

ME:
I think it’s time for a haircut.

I’m going to go after work, if that’s okay.

Do you think I should get highlights?

TIM:
That is fine with me.  Um im not sure… never had them before so I don’t know what all is involved…

ME:
It’s when you get little streaks of color in your hair.  Supposed to brighten up your hair.  I haven’t done it in a long time, but was thinking about red or blond highlights.

Or I could just dye my hair red to match you. 

TIM:
Sheesh.  I knew what they were, just didn’t know how they would look

I suppose if you really want, but it would look weird on days when we accidentally match…

ME:
LOL  Do you think red or blond?

TIM:
I have no idea.  how noticeable do you want them?

ME:
Not big chunks, but little pieces.  Not NOTICIABLE, like my head is on fire.

TIM:
I’m just saying, cause I have seen blonde highlights that stand out pretty bad.

ME:
I know – If I get them, I would ask for small ones.

Or maybe I’ll just ask for Christina Hendrick’s hair.

TIM:
I’m not sure what that second part means…

ME:
You know – that red-haired woman from Mad Men?

TIM:
Oh the one with the chest im not supposed to notice.

ME:
I didn’t say you couldn’t notice her chest.

Hell – you’d have to be blind to not notice her chest.

In other words – my goal tonight is to get my haircut and maybe get some highlights.  If I could have Christina Hendrick’s boobs too – that would be great.

Christmas is the exception to the rule.

This is our first Christmas in our new home, and I’m half-assing everything around here. Yeah, we have our door decorations. Two red bows and two strands of Christmas lights on the bushes out front.

Yep, I wrapped the Christmas presents. Mis-matched paper with tears in it because it wouldn’t fold? Yes to that too.

Hell – I may not even get to cookies this year. Between my social commitments, work and feeling blah humbug, I really don’t want to do 15 million cookies. I’ll be lucky to get my traditional sorghum molasses cookies made.

Seems like I was a grinch last year too…

Any suggestions on how to feel uplifted and happy during this time of vapid consumerism and time crunches?

We have a new house! I promise, I will post pictures soon.

We hosted Thanksgiving, and no one died!

I’m hoping that I will have some pictures up from the Carlinville Christmas Market after this weekend. We’re going to take Eric down there this weekend and do some shopping and drink some wassail.

More to come!

Now, I have to find something to live in, like it, close and move in within two months.

Thankfully, my realtor has been helpful and since last Wednesday we’ve looked at A LOT of houses.  Like 40 houses.  And there are 70 in our area that fit what we need and that are in our price range.

Crap.

I’m still looking for houses, but I thought I might share some of these and get some other people’s opinion.  Keep in mind that the order is cheapest to most expensive within our price range.

House #1

Exterior of House 1

Family Room

Living Room

Kitchen

This house is in the city, but in a nice subdivision with a good elementary school.  It is a good size (1900 sq.ft.) with 4 bedrooms and 2 baths.  We didn’t like that it sits on a crawl, the whole ceiling florescent lighting in the kitchen or that the yard (while fenced) is pretty small.

House #2

Patio and backyard

Technically the dining room

One bedroom

Downstairs half bath

Upstairs full bath

Finished basement (with pool table that can stay)

Sitting in the historic part of town, it is again in a good school district in a moderately good neighborhood.  It is a bit small with 3 bedrooms and 1 and a half baths and only 1800 sq. ft.  It does have a small yard, but I think it is big enough for the dogs to play.  Plus – this house is very close to a park with good walking trails and a dog park.

House #3

Lower level walk-out patio

Kitchen

Bedroom

This house is out in the country (not many neighbors) and is in a rural school district with a good reputation.  It’s huge – 2700 sq. ft and has 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms.  On the main level, there is a small living room, nice sized kitchen and dining room and all the bedrooms.  Downstairs there is a finished rec room, craft room and a family room.  Both full baths need updates (original fixtures in both).  It has city water, but is on a septic system (not dated on spec sheet.)  The house sits on almost an acre lot, but is not fenced.  It has a two car garage and a shed.  The steps on the front of the house need to be repaired now, but most of the other updates could wait.  And it is about 15 minutes from work.

House #4

Exterior of House 4

Living Room

Family Room

Bedroom

Kitchen

Backyard

This house is town, with a good elementary in a nice neighborhood by the lake.  4 bedrooms, 2 and a half baths and over 2500 square feet.  The yard is nice sized, but the exterior of the house needs some cosmetic updates and a good power wash.  Everything inside looks wonderful, but the direct neighbor is in foreclosure and looks like crap.  But, with it being a nice neighborhood, once the house is cleaned up, someone will get a deal on it.

House #5

Kitchen

Dining Room

This is another house close to the lake – in town – with an okay elementary school.  Sitting on almost half an acre (not fenced), the house looks to be in good, but outdated shape.  Basement is finished, but needs carpet removed and paint.  Bathrooms are in decent condition, but will eventually need updating.  Nice views though.

House #6

Exterior of House 6

Kitchen

Bathroom

Sun porch

Back yard

In the city, good elementary schools, no fence but immaculately  kept house.  Will need wallpaper removed and paint, but inside the house is very nice.  Carpets (while a baby blue in some parts of the house) are in good shape.  Basement remodel is done very well and includes one of the bedrooms in a 5 bedroom 3.5 bath and 2300 sq. ft. house.

Okay – let me know what you think so far.  I need opinions people – I like all of these house, but I’m not sure which way to go.  So, lay it on me.  Tell me what you would like / hate and if you have any questions.

Eric has been sick with an infection. I had four teeth pulled last week and have been having pain off and on ever since. Tim was scheduled to go to Jamaica, and I was going to go visit him. Tim found out he wasn’t going to Jamaica and is going to South Dakota instead…

So, life moves on. And I’ve been trying really hard to take more photos. I’ve been using the Instagram app on my phone, and they have turned out pretty good.

Me, as the swelling starts to subside.

Ducks in the fountain at Central Park.

Sherman, taking his (or what he thinks is his) rightful spot on Tim’s side of the bed.

Eric, worn out from playing catch.

Not too bad for an amateur with an iPhone camera. Now, to just keep this up!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!